The Chronicles of Condo
by La Mouette Lunaire
Summary: What if the impossible was made possible? What if randomness and insanity had a name? What if this name was 37B? What if... Ganondorf, Link and Zelda would share a flat?
1. how to do nothing at all

_Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda or any related characters._

_Author's Note: If you find any language mistakes (spelling, grammar,...) then don't hesitate to inform me about them quickly in a rude and/or insulting manner, since my English is not that good and I would greatly like to improve it. However, if you wish to comment things like the content of my stories then keep your critism clinical. Thanks!_

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How it came to be no one actually knew. When, where or why is apparently not remembered by anyone. Or is the knowledge just forgotten? The knowledge of this .... this thing some people even tried to deny ... without success. The knowledge of the fact, that Link, Zelda and Ganondorf once ... shared a flat. The knowledge of

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU PUT THE SOAP??? LINK?? LINK???!!???"

"No, no it clearly was YOUR turn to buy the newspaper today!!"

"ZELDA!!!!!! YOUR STUPID CAT THREW UP ON THE CARPET AGAIN!!!!"

"How am I supposed to know where you've put your friggin shirt??"

"I'm sorry, I'll call you- WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO HAVE A PHONE CONVERSATION HERE!!!"

**The Chronicles of Condo**

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

_- Monday, 7.30 am -_

"Floobles! Ooooh Floooooobles! Here, kittykittykittykitty!"

The sound was irritating, disturbing, odd and yet way too familiar for the two male inhabitants of flat number 37B in the Hylian castle complex for students. Clearly they could identify it as female inhabitant Zelda's breakfast call for her cat Floobles.

They had often tried to suggest a different name for the creature. A name, implying that her owner did have some sort of brain but Zelda had refused to break the old tradition of her ancestors.

"My mother's pet was called Floobles. So was the one of her mother and of my mother's mother's mother. And her mother's pet was called Floobles as well. I even think one of my aunts has a husband called Floobles. Anyway, I shall name him-"

"FLOOOOOOOBLES!!!! Oh kittykittykittykitty! Where are you??"

The voice, distant at first, came closer and closer to the kitchen where Ganondorf – male inhabitant number one – had sought shelter behind a cup of coffee and yesterday's newspaper.

"AHA!!", shrieked Zelda as she entered previously mentioned kitchen. "You left the window open again, didn't you??"

Not adding anything like a reply in the first place but then being violently jerked off his seat, Ganondorf eventually made an attempt to prove his innocence.

"Like, yeah. I left it open and that damn thing just jumped and flew away. Geez..."

"First of all I demand you to address me as your royal roommate-ness!! And secondly ... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! POOR KITTY!!!", whined Zelda and left the room in an equally wailing way.

Rolling his eyes Ganondorf went back to his beloved newspaper, whilst seriously pondering the question whether or not he was obliged to inform Zelda, that cats were not capable of flying ... not very far, at least.

But as approximately 27,6 seconds had passed and Ganondorf had almost started to feel safe, yet another voice shattered the wonderful silence into thousand pieces.

"Yo, G! Wazzup!?!"

It was – undoubtedly – the second male inhabitant of 37B.

"Link. Morning", muttered Ganondorf, trying to ignore the mostly naked Hylian as much as possible.

"Did you, like, see my shirt anywhere, dude?"

"No, _d u d e_. But you might want to ask Zelda's cat more about it."

"Oh no, not again!! ZEEEEEEEEEEELDAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!", screamed the enraged boy and left the room he had not even fully entered before.

_- Monday, 10 am -_

"Hey, where did Ganondorf go?"

"I think he went to this Evil Overlord Workshop thingy he's been so into lately", replied Link, chewing on a piece of old bread.

"Whoa, hold on! Are you just eating m y last slice of bread???"

"Yeah, so? Shouldn't you be in college?"

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

Link shivered.

"Uh, well ... you know ... I ... so, what's on TV right now?"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

_Lalala, done!!_

_Okay, first chapter, short chapter, as usual. I had this sudden urge to write a story like that even though – as usual – I don't know whether I will keep up this urge or not, so don't get too used to the story, since I might never write more than you actually see here._

_Anyway, it was a nice idea, wasn't it? ;_


	2. how to torture a cat

_Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda or any related characters._

_Author's Note: If you find any language mistakes (spelling, grammar,...) then don't hesitate to inform me about them quickly in a rude and/or insulting manner, since my English is not that good and I would greatly like to improve it. However, if you wish to comment things like the content of my stories then keep your critism clinical. Thanks!_

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

How it came to be no one actually knew. When, where or why is apparently not remembered by anyone. Or is the knowledge just forgotten? The knowledge of this .... this thing some people even tried to deny ... without success. The knowledge of the fact, that Link, Zelda and Ganondorf once ... shared a flat. The knowledge of

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU PUT THE SOAP??? LINK?? LINK???!!???"

"No, no it clearly was YOUR turn to buy the newspaper today!!"

"ZELDA!!!!!! YOUR STUPID CAT THREW UP ON THE CARPET AGAIN!!!!"

"How am I supposed to know where you've put your friggin shirt??"

"I'm sorry, I'll call you- WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO HAVE A PHONE CONVERSATION HERE!!!"

**The Chronicles of Condo**

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

_- Monday, 6 pm –_

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!", yelled Zelda and hurled Floobles at Ganondorf who thus decided not to ask Zelda about how her day had been ever again.

_- Monday, 1 pm -_

Floobles jumped aside, yelped in pain and then hissed at the remote which had just hit her whilst she was doing nothing but trying to nap behind the heater in peace.

"CROCODILE HUNTER!"

"BUFFY!"

"CROCODILE HUNTER!"

"BUFFY!"

"CROCODILE HUNTER!"

"BUFFY!"

"CROCO-"

"VILL YE SHADDUP VOR HEAVENZ ZAKE???", came the aroused voice of their neighbour in 36B, thus somehow managing to stop the quarrel between Link and Zelda momentarily.

They had been sitting on the couch for quite some time now and eventually were able to overcome their common laziness and search for the remote which they – after an exciting treasure hunt – had found under the cat.

Their discovery though had done them no good at all and they were now constantly fighting over what to watch.

But after a 41-minute-screaming-contest and the reproving words of their neighbour they had eventually gotten exhausted and decided to watch a DVD. The problem?

"I told you to buy a new one!!! I told you ages ago!!"

"Then you should have given me the MONEY to buy it, duh!"

"I would have given you the money if there had been any left, DUH!"

"DUH!"

"DUUUUUH!"

"DUH DUH!"

"DUUUUUDE, what's the problem?", said a soap-opera-ish voice on the television screen, giving the author the perfect opportunity to explain the perilous situation of 37B.

The problem was, that a very depressed and therefore very drunken Ganondorf had somehow mistaken the DVD player for a chair. The small electric device, not being constructed to carry the weight of a full-grown, male Gerudo, simply decided to break.

That was approximately five weeks ago and still the three hadn't managed to gather enough money to buy their rent and replace the player at the same time.

Link's and Zelda's Frustration was followed by utter silence which remained unbroken for a very long time. Long time for 37B standards that is.

"Sigh", sighed Zelda.

Link breathed.

Floobles didn't.

.....

Wait, now she did.

A bird chirped, somewhere outside, in front of the window.

'TWACK!!!", went the bird and examined the window closer... too close for its own good.

"Sigh!", sighed Zelda once more.

"So...", started Link, thus breaking the silence and getting Zelda's attention once in his life. "Should we... like ... do something else?"

"Like what?"

"Like, I could stay here and take care of the couch while you... clean the kitchen and prepare a snack for me."

Silence.

TWACK!!!!!

It wasn't a bird this time...

_- Monday, 7 pm -_

"I'm hungry!", complained Link and looked at the empty plate which had only been placed on the table to make it easier for everyone in 37B to imagine, that they still had some food left.

"No money – no food. It's that simple.", snapped Zelda and proceeded to feed her cat.

"Can't I have what she's having?"

"LINK!!!"

"Boy, you must be really desperate to desire grinded fish bones for lunch."

The latter utterance had been Ganondorf's. By now he had more than fully recovered from the earlier _cat fight_ and was ready to present the results of his workshop to everyone.

"Looky, what I can do!", said the, with the most enthusiastic undertone of evil he could manage. Then he raised his arm up high and muttered a random spell in a random language which sounded something like _A springbreak must not feed the wombats tulips!_

The result of this, however, was not random, but a clearly nameable disaster;

"MEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!", shrieked Floobles and dashed out of the kitchen ... burning.

"GANONDORF!!!!", shrieked Zelda, her voice being amazingly alike to the one of her tortured cat.

Ganondorf just switched to an innocent whistle and an absent stare at the ceiling, which made Zelda even more furious.

Adding to that Link, who hadn't really noticed the burning pet in the first place but could now clearly smell something that was much alike to the barbecue his father used to organise at parties, had now started to laugh frantically.

"LINK!!!", Zelda called out, feeling desperate and left alone in her mental suffering over the cat's physical suffering.

"I ... I'm sorry Zelda. Say...!"

"Yes?"

"Can I have some fries with the cat?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!", screamed Zelda and stomped off into her room, where Floobles had already set her dress for the next day on fire.

Only two of 37B remained in the kitchen. One rolling on the floor laughing, the other sitting in his favorite chair, pondering over the question whether or not he should open a restaurant which would be the first to serve 'Floobles Flambé'....

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Now there, I did it. Another chapter. You seem to like it apparently and it's not like I have anything better to do...

And I even though about interesting things I could add in further chapters. Then again, it probably won't become that interesting at all, but oh well...

So thanks for your reviews, guys!

(at) thag; Question one and two shall be answered later in the story and as for TMTQFS... it will be readable on my homepage very soon.


	3. how to feign sanity

_Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda or any related characters._

_Author's Note: If you find any language mistakes (spelling, grammar,...) then don't hesitate to inform me about them quickly in a rude and/or insulting manner, since my English is not that good and I would greatly like to improve it. However, if you wish to comment things like the content of my stories then keep your critism clinical. Thanks!_

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

How it came to be no one actually knew. When, where or why is apparently not remembered by anyone. Or is the knowledge just forgotten? The knowledge of this ... this thing some people even tried to deny ... without success. The knowledge of the fact, that Link, Zelda and Ganondorf once ... shared a flat. The knowledge of

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU PUT THE SOAP? LINK? LINK?"

"No, no it clearly was YOUR turn to buy the newspaper today!"

"ZELDA! YOUR STUPID CAT THREW UP ON THE CARPET AGAIN!"

"How am I supposed to know where you've put your friggin shirt?"

"I'm sorry, I'll call you- WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO HAVE A PHONE CONVERSATION HERE!"

**The Chronicles of Condo**

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

_- Friday, 6 pm -_

Assuming a day like any other was supposed to include the violent fits and numerous attempted homicides of an angered landlord, the desperate try of your cat to catch a piece of you shoe for dinner and random phone calls from a guy named Gordon who claims to be the rightful owner of your car, then one could indeed call this day a day like any other.

However as Link and Zelda were traditionally fighting over the last piece of semi-edible cheese, there was a knock at the door which would soon turn out to be anything but a visit like any other.

Especially because visit and knock were rather misleading terms, better to be replaced by 'inhabitant' and 'kick'.

Failing to notice Ganondorf's violent entrance in the first place it took one more ever so subtle hint from the not-so-soon-to-be Lord of Evil.

"HUZZAH FOLKS, I'M HOME!", exclaimed the above-mentioned and entered the kitchen in an unusually happily skipping way whilst holding up a piece of paper.

"What's that?", asked Zelda who had been taught to inquire about things that way in order to seem polite and well-behaved. And because she needed to focus on something else in order not to rip off Link's head who had managed to steal the cheese in a brief moment of inattention from Zelda's site.

"This is the first step of OUR PATH TO CASH, GLORY, FAME AND CASH!"

"…are you drunken again?", asked Zelda on whom those early lessons in politeness were apparently lost when confronted with a mad Gerudo and a cheese-stealing bum.

"Yes, but that's not the point. Just read it. Read it!" Ganondorf insisted, almost sticking the piece of paper to Zelda's face.

"Okay, okay, just stop chocking me!" the slightly angered princess replied, thus bringing Ganondorf's attention to the fact that said infamous piece of paper had indeed partially found its way up Zelda's nose already.

"Mffh fhe affef?" inquired Link, who apparently didn't make the slightest attempt of reading the piece of paper himself, due to the fact that perhaps he wasn't capable of doing so or probably just because he was too goddamn lazy to do it.

"Eh?"

"What's it about?" repeated Link, having stopped to chew on the last piece of cheese eventually.

"Oh you see, they gave it to us at today's Evil Overlord Workshop. It's an invitation to-"

"THE HYRULE HAMLETEERS? HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY INSANE?", shrieked Zelda before stomping off in anger, leaving behind a torn piece of paper and two mildly disturbed roommates.

"Whoa, what's gotten into her? And who are those Hamsterees anyway?"

With a sigh loud enough to wake his desert-inhabiting relatives, Ganondorf picked up his beloved invitation, examined it worriedly and sat down to prepare for a hopefully brief explanation. "Hyrule's Hamleteers is THE most famous Shakespearian acting company in the whole country! Taking part in one of their productions is the best and most exciting thing to happen to any artistic mortal. It's every actor's dream and the greatest honor one could ever achieve!"

"So… why'd we want to do it?"

"Because, more than any other job, this one is not only well-respected but also _very_ well-paid"

"Oh. Right", Link paused and produced a chocolate bar from his pocket. "Sounds cool. What's Zel's problem?"

"Well… perhaps she is just generally angered for some reason", Ganondorf stated, including a stress on the last three words spoken plus a brief evil glare at Link's snack, both passing by completely unnoticed.

"And that'd be what?" Link said absent-mindedly, but apparently very busy in his chewing.

Ganondorf rolled his eyes, got up and left the kitchen, unnoticed by his Hylian roommate. With Ganondorf left another chocolate bar which Link thought to be safely hidden under the kitchen table. Theft? Probably not. Some major spoiled-princess-conviction-work had to be done after all.

_- Sunday, 8 am -_

Uncomfortably shifting in his chair, a tired Hylian blond addressed Ganondorf. "So, why's it that it's Sunday, long before 1 pm but I'm not in bed anyway?"

"Because", came the quick reply from coffee-sipping Zelda's site. "Because Ganondorf managed to find us a stage coach"

"A what?"

"A person who will train us so that when we're auditioning for our parts at Hyrules Hamleteers they won't throw us out and skin us alive after our first two lines"

"Oh. Right" was Link's ever so detailed and elaborate reply.

But before Zelda could seriously consider accidentally spilling her coffee over Link's pants (or tights that is), Ganondorf got up to answer the door.

"Did you hear anybody knocking?" Zelda wondered, looking at the newspaper Ganondorf had left on the table.

"Mfh", stated Link, chewing on a piece of toast.

His reply was followed by a brief period of silence which was interrupted by Ganondorf, who re-entered the kitchen, accompanied by a girl whose brown hair was decorated with a rich cornucopia of wild flowers. She immediately started to hum a random song, doing a little dance to emphasize the randomness.

The chosen reaction of both was confusion and their choice became all too visible when Link paused eating his third piece of cake.

"Well, everybody - say hi to Malon, our new stage couch!"

"Ooooh, I get it!", exclaimed Zelda entirely freed from confusion and even happy as it seemed. "Wow, that's just awesome! The best Ophelia impression I've ever seen!"

Making sure that Link had taken up eating again, Ganondorf coughed and hurriedly left the room before Malon's reply could reach Zelda's ear.

"Tee hee, thanks! Never heard of that Ophelia guy tough…"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

So there. Tadaaa and stuff. No comment from my part. Nah, better not. I'm off! (rushes away)


End file.
